Esther Perez
b. 1958
It can feel really heavy to walk into a room and have this quiet feeling that you're not really wanted there. You might see it in little things: maybe a conversation suddenly changes its subject when you arrive, or perhaps you get invited to things really late, or not at all. Sometimes, it's just that nobody seems curious about you anymore. When people stop asking about your life, it can feel like they're not making room for you in theirs. But I want you to remember that how much you're worth isn't decided by other people. Sometimes, the coldness you get from others is just about them, not about you. It can be because they're busy, or maybe they have their own worries, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. If you notice you're always trying to make yourself smaller to fit into places where you feel unwelcome, it might be a good time to stop focusing on whether they don't like you. Instead, maybe look for people who welcome you with a natural, easy warmth. You deserve to be truly seen, not just put up with.
Marisa Franco
Contemporary
It's totally okay to feel that little voice of doubt sometimes. Our worries can sometimes seem way bigger than the reality of a situation. When you start to question if people want you around, you might pick up on little things. Maybe it feels like the energy shifts when you enter a space, or people don't meet your eyes as much. You might get the sense that conversations pause when you join in, or that your questions get brief, short answers. Perhaps you feel less connected to what's going on with the group day-to-day. But I really hope you can be gentle with yourself when you notice these kinds of feelings. Often, what seems like someone not liking you is really just them dealing with their own things. Or maybe they're just feeling a bit awkward or not thinking clearly in that moment. People are often caught up in their own lives and aren't focusing on you as much as you might imagine. They're usually more indifferent than anything else. Rather than searching for reasons why people might be keeping their distance, try to focus on the times and places where you feel at ease and can be your authentic self. Your worth isn't something that depends on others validating it. It's already inherent in you, whether everyone else notices it or not.
Susan Forward
1938–2020
It really hurts when you start to think the people closest to you might not have your best interests in mind. But the thing to remember is that it's usually not just a gut feeling. The clearest sign is a pattern of how they treat you, making you feel less than. If you notice yourself always going along with things or ignoring what you need just to avoid arguments, that could mean they care more about being in charge than they do about you. I often look for what I call "punishments," which can show up in different ways. It might be them giving you the silent treatment, criticizing your decisions sharply, or making quiet threats that they'll leave if you don't do exactly what they expect. In any relationship that’s good for you, you should feel safe. If you feel emotionally worn down or like you’ve lost your confidence, that’s a really strong indicator that something isn’t right. Don't just sit back and hope they’ll change. Instead, find your courage and tell them what your boundaries are. If they're willing to have a reasonable conversation, they'll work with you on it. But if their reaction is to push harder or try to control you more, then you have your answer. No relationship is worth sacrificing your self-respect for.
Viktor Frankl
1905–1997
Feeling alone, or like nobody wants you, is a really heavy feeling. I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt. It hits right at the part of us that just wants to belong. But I have to ask you something: even if you could see exactly what other people are thinking and know they don't approve, would that actually change what you need to do inside yourself? We can't make other people like us any more than we can control the wind, but we can decide how we're going to stand in that wind. Maybe what this situation is really asking you isn't "Do people like me?" but "What kind of person do I want to be when I feel lonely?" When you think back on this time later, what will make you feel good about how you handled it? Instead of looking for signs that people are rejecting you, think about a value you believe in or a person who needs what only you can give. Real meaning doesn't come from everyone liking you, but from being true to yourself as you move forward. Decide to be the kind of person you would admire, even if you were the only one there.
From the council, together
You're clearly wrestling with a tricky balance between what you see on the outside and what's going on inside. It's easy to look at other people's faces for clues, searching for any hint that they might disapprove, stay quiet, or seem distant. But that intense watching often comes from a place deep inside, a survival instinct from times when you *really* needed to know if someone was going to be upset with you. What feels like evidence that someone dislikes you is often just a reflection of not liking yourself. It's like you've already decided you're not good enough, all by yourself, even before anyone else has a say. Most people are so caught up in their own lives and their own worries that they're not paying that much attention to judging you. When they seem indifferent, it's usually not because there's something wrong with you; it's just that they have their own things going on. So, instead of trying to convince a crowd that might not even care, try this: pay attention to where you feel like you have to change who you are or act a certain way just to fit in or be liked. The real message isn't in what other people might be thinking, but in how you feel afterwards. When you start to feel comfortable and confident just being yourself, when you feel welcome at your own life's table, then the ups and downs of what others think won't have such a strong hold on you.